I had my first shift in a little over a week today. S. had taken me up on my offer to take her opening grocery shift. Sometime in the past two weeks the start time for that shift had changed from 9am to 8am, something I was unaware of. Even though I was late I was able to get all of the opening stuff done in time and the day was pretty relaxed from there on. The ‘drag tends to be pretty dead on long weekends, especially if it’s raining.
A good hour was dedicated to writing an e-mail to the collective. I outlined a few communication issues I think the collective is having, regarding accountability and out ability to give and receive feedback. It felt good and it was something I needed to do.
Maybe through actions like this I can get back to being a forward push instead of a stubborn anchor. I have grown tired of being “the complainer” but I also don’t want to stop being critical of what goes on around me. The transition to doing that in a healthy, supportive and productive manner is going to take a lot of watching my own shit, keeping my language and actions in check.
For maybe an hour just before the lunch rush I did feel like going home. We seemed overstaffed and I had serious doubts we were ever going to actually get busy. I wonder if I am guilty of using times like that as an excuse to leave. I could find extra tasks to do, like today I spent 45 minutes repacking the recycling bins and cleaning the back, but I often don’t. That is more than likely as a result of me feeling burnt out from doing tasks I feel no one else knows or cares about. I feel guilty for being selfish that way and kind of jumping ship when it’s time for me to do my due diligence and find the extra work that needs to get done.
Guilt isn’t going to get me anywhere though, that is something I need to learn. Guilt is the current theme to my life, which is stressful and draining. I feel guilty for all of my privilege, I feel guilty for feeling guilty about it considering how condescending that is. I feel guilty for my current mental health issues. I am among the most privileged people on the planet I don’t feel justified in being upset. On the other hand I wouldn’t feel justified in being made content by my privilege either. I want to destroy it. If only I could take a hammer to it. Everytime I get in this train of thought I end up at the same place. “Get over yourself.” And then the whole cycle starts anew.