I was going to go with the Stagnant Stars guys and S. to Montreal. In fact, I had packed my bag and gone to hang out with them all day waiting for everyone to be ready. We drove all the way out of the city before realizing we were headed the wrong way. As we drove back to the other end of town I felt my house closing back into my life and I really needed to get out of the van. “I don’t think I can do this.” Maybe, if we had just left straight away at 10am like we had planned I would be with them pulling into Montreal sometime tonight. But, I am not. As they drove away I didn’t feel regret, I felt happy I could have a good meal and go on a run that night. I think I made the right decision.
I have called around trying to find a councilor, or a psychiatrist. The wait lists are from two weeks to three months and I can only assume my case isn’t pressing, maybe I’m diminishing the problem. I have given up on it already, which is maybe just me feeling defeated. I don’t think they’re actually going to help me, maybe that’s me being cynical.
Sticking it out with my self treatment seems like the way to go right now. I am spending more time outside and running a lot more. The time off from work has been good. I’m going to try easing back into a routine there starting with 2-3 shifts a week and heading back up to full time before Folk Fest and Fringe when I will fully dedicate myself for one last stretch to the Mondragon.
I had told everyone that I would come back next spring/summer. I fear that might have been a premature judgment. Coming back would be great and it still might work out as I do love living in Winnipeg. It’s all just so far in the future it’s hard to say. Right now I’m still preparing to leave. I have sold my keyboard for $900 which paid off the rest of my debt and June’s rent. I have to replace the speaker in one of my amps but once that’s done I’ll be able to sell those off towards the end of the summer. With that cash plus what I can save up I should have enough cash to fly pretty much anywhere.
I have been looking a lot into traveling to Europe or the southern states. I have registered with HelpX and have been sending out messages to various farms about staying with them in the fall. There are olive harvests in Greece, and wines to make in France and permaculture retreats to help out on in New Mexico. I hope I hear back from someone. I made a profile which is kind of hilarious, like a hippy resume haha. It’s honest but selling yourself always feels like a bit of a compromise to me.
In the end I think I’m on the mend. I’m probably on a bit of an up right now but it’s lasted longer than any high time I’ve had in the past month. It’s Dawn!