Today at the meeting I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to bring everyone else down. I can’t deal with people’s concerned looks sometimes. My friends at the ‘drag ask me whats up, try to make me feel better. I feel that if they try to make me feel better and it doesn’t work that I’m insulting them. If they hug me and I don’t come out smiling that tells them “it’s not good enough.” No one expects to fix me with a hug, I just wish I could show more improvement. I can’t tell if I even want to feel better though, maybe it’s okay to feel this way. I can accept that people feel upset sometimes and that I’m no exception. When I start to feel down I don’t try to fight it anymore I just accept that it’s natural, it’s okay, it’ll pass. The problems only start really when the feeling last more than a few days. Like now when I’ve been going on a few weeks of pitted lows marked with a few high points, like my friends stopping into town. I need to do more things for others, that’s my main problem.
I’ve been really down the past few weeks. After being confronted by a lady at work about my possession of space in the kitchen I’ve decided to just stay out of everyone’s way when I’m feeling down. I have grown tired of constantly talking about how awful I feel whenever people ask “How are you doing?” so I’ve started just saying I’m fine, which is an obvious lie, stepping back and waiting for whoever to go on with what they’re doing. I don’t know anyone really well anymore, even my friends back in Ontario. I haven’t had an actual conversation with any of them in over a year.
I start to question how I am. If I’ve forgotten things I used to care about; being a positive punk, staying small and DIY, trying to be an example of a non-oppressive male (if that’s even possible). When I was 19 I could leave home for days or weeks or months with just a backpack and a direction. Now I’ve got a lease and a smartphone. I have a job which I care too much about to just fuck off and leave. I’m trying to start a band knowing I’m leaving town in September. I’m setting myself up to not follow through with all of these things and I’m going to feel guilty for disappointing people, I know it.
So I sit at the meeting and think about why I shouldn’t be pushing for any particular direction when I’m not going to live with the consequences. I drink water and wait for check outs so I can say pass, hoping I’ll have the energy to run when I get home.